I lost my Mum today. Words can not describe how I am feeling right now. Nothing can prepare someone for a loss as big as losing a parent, and writing this post, along with seeing her so frail yesterday is without a doubt the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face, and not something I think I could face again.
My Mum was everything to me. She was always there for me when I needed her. She helped me through some of the darkest periods of my life, and I wouldn’t be here without her, in more ways than one. Honestly, I can’t bear the thought of never being able to see her beautiful face, or hear her voice again. I’m never going to be able to give her a hug again. My entire world has crashed, and I’m not going to be able to manage without her. I’m going to miss our weekly Sunday afternoon phonecalls where we would talk about everything and nothing. What am I going to do now at 1.30pm every Sunday afternoon? I’ll miss watching her race off with my Dad in their mobility scooters together like some crazy version of Mario Kart. I’ll miss our trips to Muscavado in Basildon for my hot chocolates. She was the most kindest, caring person you could know. She was the greatest grand mother to Kieran, Kayleigh and Sophie. She absolutely adored Michelle, the kids and Millie, and she was the best Mum a son could ever have. I just wish she could read this to know how much she meant to me, but she can’t. I don’t even know if she was really able to tell that it was me holding her hand yesterday and telling her how much I love her. I hope she knew just how much she meant to me and just how much I love her.
I can’t bear thinking of a world without my Mum. I don’t think I’m going to be able to. Over the past few weeks, my head has already started to slide back to where it was before. I can’t be strong for Michelle and the kids, or Dad and Stephanie. I feel like a weak failure of a man/dad. I’m not strong, I can’t be strong. Mum was everything to me. She was my support. My rock. She has always been there for me in my nearly 50 years of existence on this planet, and now she’s gone. I have the memories, the pictures and family videos, but that’s not enough. Everywhere I look, something reminds me of her. Every facebook memory, every smell, every taste of food. Playing old computer games that we played together when I grew up. Every television show we watched together. We both loved science fiction and horror movies and TV shows. It’s because of Mum that I’m a big Star Trek fan. We had similar taste in music – It’s because of Mum that I love Erasure. I want my mum now more than ever. I’m scared of a future without my mum. I can’t see a future without my mum. I have never had to face a loss before, not like this. I need my Mum, and I don’t think I’m going to be able to carry on without her.
I’m sorry for this post. My head is all over the place. I need help and I don’t know what to do. I’m not ok. I’m not going to be ok.
